Mad Person

Day one of Vipassina Meditation begins as the bell rings at dark and cool 4 am and excitedly I trudge up to the meditation hall and begin to try to meditate. Which is extremely difficult and I almost fall asleep and do that jerking awake motion about a million times. Somehow the hours pass until 630 and we are freed for breakfast. Goenka's voice is growing on me but my mind is crazy. Now being almost two weeks I can't really remember details very well but I will share some of the crazy things my mind went to in those first couple of days. We are told to have a calm and attentive mind and to focus solely on our breathing, in and out, nostrils, etc. HEllA boring after even like five minutes, so obviously I go a traipsing in my head. I cry about Mali, I think about memories together and her family and her birthday is coming up which makes me cry more that I can't be at home and celebrate her life with her friends and family and properly mourn. I think about past regrets and mistakes I have made. About stupid things said and harsh reactions to things. I think about fond memories of me and Sean doing the simplest but most joyful things like walking around the ave together. I go through my ENTIRE wardrobe at home and think about all the things I will wear when I return. I write the entire book about my year of travel. Story by story. Chapter by Chapter. I start to think of titles. Maybe it should be "Anywhere but Here" because I can never stay in the moment. Case in point.
I start having vivid fascinating fantasies about piles of fresh pineapple and watermelon and mango. My mouth starts to water. I think about sex WAAAAY too much. As my friend Lucy said. "I thought about sex more than I thought I think about sex". Haha. I go into a play by play schedule of the rest of my trip in India. I fantasize about being in Sweden and riding a bicycle around Stockholm, drinking tap water, wandering around the streets alone and not being stared at, etc. I plan the entire next year of my life. When I'm going home, what I'll be wearing, who will I hang out with for my birthday, what will I eat. I go through all the restaurants in Reno thinking about the best one to work at and what schedule I would like once I'm hired. I think about teaching and decide I want to do it and then start the application process for teaching programs(in my head) to a bunch of schools in southern California. I start planning my next traveling.
I AM FUCKING CRAZY
The days pass and I get restless and I start panicking on day two. I cant just sit here and focus on my breath for EIGHT MORE DAYS. I really start to freak out. The morning seems to pass quickly but the afternoons drag on with hour after hour of meditation and I am so weak and am starting to eat a little food but the past few days of nothing are catching up to me. Then at the evening discourse on day two Goenka tells us that days two and six are the hardest (he is soo right) and that Ana Purna is over tomorrow and we start actual Vipassina meditaion. Then the ENTIRE third day goes by and nothing new. And the discourse comes and nothing new. There is a long pause during Goenkas instructions and I start planning my escape from nostril and the area below the nostril and above the upper lip focus.
Then Goenka begins. Focus on the top of the head, and go through the body part by part, piece by piece. Observe the sensations and react with equanimity. FINALLY! Something new to do. I go to bed fast and hard and have crazy dreams because I am a crazy lunatic.