Sweet ass (expensive ass) Water

Welp everyone, the time here is coming to a close. And it makes me really fucking sad. And I’m gonna get a little sappy here for a minute so suck it up. This week there was a shooting at a mall in Nairobi. A mall that was frequented by Kenyans and muzungos and people from all over the world. And it has really been affecting everyone here. There are different levels of issues emerging from this tragedy. Fear, sadness, anger, relief, etc. I feel a little freaked out but not insane or anything. Mostly I am having a crisis of self of what if that was the mall we were in that day. Because we were in one, the Village Market Mall in Nairobi, a super cush mall that is embassy adjacent. I happened to be bowing down to the porcelain goddess and paying for my sins the following night. And it would really have been a bummer for my last act on earth to be puking in a mall bathroom. The point of this whole bit is, life is short, crazy shit happens, you have to live your life as you want it. If you are in a job that sucks, find another one, if you are in a relationship with a loser, break up with them, if you aren’t doing what you’ve always wanted to do with your life- do it because our time on earth is not infinite. Everyone dies, usually before they expect to, and I for one would like to go down with as little regret as possible. Also, horrible acts of terrorism happen everywhere- they happen in Kenya, they happen in America. This mall shooting happened in Nairobi. Last year some American walked into an IHOP in Carson City and shot up a bunch of people. Crazies are everywhere and I know personally I will continue to travel and continue to live my life to the full extent that I can because if they were to affect my decision in any way, make me afraid of travel then their whole plan of instilling fear works. And I say fuck that. Rant over.

Let’s talk about this awesome last week. So after I puked and rallied, we drove for another few hours through some bumpy ass roads that gave what they all call here a right ‘Kenyan Massage’. We FINALLY arrive at Sweetwaters and it’s exactly that, SWEET ASS WATER. Its supa dupa deluxe, fucking whiteys everywhere and these gorgeous grounds with luscious plants and flowers everywhere, acacia trees, birds squawking, the works. Out front is a watering hole where RHINOS come and drink water at night. Rhinos are basically alive dinosaurs. They are cray CRAY. Rhinos apparently also have some magic in their horns which makes them super attractive for poachers. So the game preserve has these bad ass mofos that are decked out all in camo and strapped with machine guns to patrol the land 24/7. Apparently crushed up rhino horn is super good for curing the worldwide health catastrophe: male erectile dysfunction. And apparently it’s most popular in China and other Asian countries for old dudes. Hey old dudes- maybe get some exercise and stop drinking so heavily and your penis will work, no need to butcher a FUCKING RHINO for your Viagra. Anyways, that’s lame. It was truly amazing though, this tent camp was basically high up bungalows with crisp white sheets, fluffy down comforters and instant hot water. Don’t even get me started on the food there. Trough after trough of deliciousness- chapatti for days, fresh salad bar, cray cray patatas. The coffee comes in a French press and is bottomless and FREE. The water is 270 shillings a bottle which is fucking steep. The dessert bar is straight out of Jurassic Park. In fact the whole shebang was straight out of Jurassic Park. Electric fences everywhere, high grass, highly intelligent wildlife.

The highlight of the safaris was an evening drive on our last day there. To preface this, we arrived in afternoon and went out two evenings and two mornings. This is the best time to see all the wildlife cause they are all out eating and drinking a pooping. So our last night we are all kinda tired and thinking maybe we’d just like to chill out on our SICK ASS verandas and have a cold beer and enjoy each other’s company. But we all rallied and reluctantly set out on our drive. And right off the bat we spot a fucking CHEETAH. This beasty is so majestic and full of strength and curves, and allz I can say is, this bitch definitely gets her running on. So we’re all checking her out and freaking out actually at how badass she is, laying there in the golden grass, perfectly blending in and staring intently into the brush hoping to make a kill. Then we see them. TWO BABY CHEETAHS. Cheetah cubs !!!!!! They are jumping all over and hopping and running and of course I’m squealing uncontrollably because I can’t help myself. They are having a great afternoon following mom around and traipsing through the grass. Then the queen bitch walks RIGHT UP next to our van and again I’m totally freaking out about the whole thing. She’s amazing, calm and collected and terrifying. The babies are fluffy and tiny and prancing! It was insane and I can’t believe we almost skipped it. Amazing.

And today we opened Café Ubuntu. It was such a grand spectacle and celebration. I can’t believe we pulled it off. We were literally working up until the last minute- me and Chris anyways, finishing up chalkboards and filling prices, etc. We had people from CTC, our Whole Foods gang, tons of local business people, Malaika moms and kids, Maasai women, and so many more. There was a bunch of speeches, there was a traditional Maasai dance and then Jeremiah cut the ribbon and Lisa broke the challah (HOLLER!). And then the shit hit the fan. Everybody is bum rushing the café wanting all kinds of drinks. Dormans who is their coffee supplier also had a coffee truck that had a line all the way down the walkway, and the three baristas have been trained like THIS week and are getting fucking slammed. But they all killed it and we are handing out baked goods to a million hands everyone saying shit to me in Swahili that I don’t really understand but which I translate in my head to “Hey white girl, I don’t want that fucking cookie, I want the doughnut that Ruby is giving out.” We are slicing up piles and piles of chapattis with a tiny wine knife meant to cut the foil off the top, and Kevin’s $7 Ace Hardware knife. Then the power goes out. This is Kenya. T.I.K. as they say. The rest of the day basically went like that. Just trying to make coffee as fast as these brand new baristas possibly can, handing out food and goat meat to anyone and everyone that sticks their hands in their face. And then tearing it all down as quickly as it was built. D.J. Rubie Ruth aka D.J. R squared is pumping the reggae and then everyone starts boogying down, including a bunch of the Malaika kids who are taking turns shouting out on the mic. It was really awesome and I feel so stoked to be lucky enough to have landed this group at this time. Amazing shit. Truly. So in two days I say goodbye to this place and I’m starting to bum out about it. But that is life. Life is life, what can do? We’re having a pizza night blow out to celebrate the opening and then get a few more days to hang with these amazing people in this insanely cool place. I’ll try not to cling to it, appreciate the moment, and fucking YOLO.